Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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