you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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