just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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