where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
i now understand why vodka
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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