I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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