My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
