just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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