dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
