What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
