Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
