I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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