4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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