I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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