Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
