If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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