I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
