i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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