State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
