we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
God, I missed his penis.
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