they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
