Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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