I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
