i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
