:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
