I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
