I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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