Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
