i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
