she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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