I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
