remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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