Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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