My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
