What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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