the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
