They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
