Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
