Are we in a gay sports bar?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
