i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
