my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
She even gives head with a lisp.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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