There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
