When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
