Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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