He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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