My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
