I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Randomize
