whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
