I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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