I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
