My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
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