my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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