The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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