Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
