Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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