Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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