Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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